Before I had kids, I always pictured my life to be perfect with perfectly dressed and perfectly behaved, beautiful children. Reality check. Although I do think my children are beautiful…nothing is perfect. Sh#t hit the fan as soon as our first child was born and things got even more ridiculous when we added more children to the mix. Farewell planning. Three children later, I find myself often saying pretty funny things to them. Out loud. In public…sometimes in front of strangers. You would be amazed at some of the things you find yourself saying as a parent.
Here are just a few things that I have actually said out loud to one of my children:
1. Don’t lick the baby.
2. Stop putting sand in your butt…wait, where are your pants?
3. We don’t eat the things we find in the couch cushions.
4. Don’t touch that bloody Band-Aid you found on the ground.
5. We don’t bite our friends.
6. Please don’t wipe your butt on the carpet.
7. Stop eating your toenails.
8. Cat food is not for people.
9. No, you can’t pee in the front yard, you will use the bathroom.
10. Boogers are not something we eat or collect. Use a Kleenex!
11. Your butt itches? Let me see.
12. No honey, only boys have a penis. You won’t grow one when you are bigger.
13. Leave your snack on the counter while you poop. We don’t eat on the toilet.
14. Why are their beads in your diaper?
15. Please don’t touch the dog’s butt.
16. We don’t ride our cousins.
17. No, you can’t clean the car with sandpaper.
18. Stop growling at your teacher.
19. Please don’t lick the elevator buttons.
20. What color was your poop?
I am sure there are hundreds more. I find myself saying something more ridiculous each day! What crazy things have you said out loud that you never thought you would have to?
Barrie has been featured on Scary Mommy, Babble, Parent Co., Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Tribe Magazine, Her View from Home, For Every Mom, and is a contributing writer on Modern Mom. Follow her antics at www.dailydumpshow.com.
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