Say What?! 20 Crazy Things I’ve Actually Said as a Parent

Before I had kids, I always pictured my life to be perfect with perfectly dressed and perfectly behaved, beautiful children. Reality check. Although I do think my children are beautiful…nothing is perfect. Sh#t hit the fan as soon as our first child was born and things got even more ridiculous when we added more children to the mix. Farewell planning. Three children later, I find myself often saying pretty funny things to them. Out loud. In public…sometimes in front of strangers. You would be amazed at some of the things you find yourself saying as a parent.

Here are just a few things that I have actually said out loud to one of my children:

1. Don’t lick the baby.

2. Stop putting sand in your butt…wait, where are your pants?

3. We don’t eat the things we find in the couch cushions.

4. Don’t touch that bloody Band-Aid you found on the ground.

5. We don’t bite our friends.

6. Please don’t wipe your butt on the carpet.

7. Stop eating your toenails.

8. Cat food is not for people.

9. No, you can’t pee in the front yard, you will use the bathroom.

10. Boogers are not something we eat or collect. Use a Kleenex!

11. Your butt itches? Let me see.

12. No honey, only boys have a penis. You won’t grow one when you are bigger.

13. Leave your snack on the counter while you poop. We don’t eat on the toilet.

14. Why are their beads in your diaper?

15. Please don’t touch the dog’s butt.

16. We don’t ride our cousins.

17. No, you can’t clean the car with sandpaper.

18. Stop growling at your teacher.

19. Please don’t lick the elevator buttons.

20. What color was your poop?

I am sure there are hundreds more. I find myself saying something more ridiculous each day! What crazy things have you said out loud that you never thought you would have to?

Diary of an imperfect mum
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Barrie Bismark

Barrie Bismark is sarcastic, vocal, stubborn, strong-willed, and kind of a pain in the ass. She’s been married to her husband for 11 years and has three beautiful children: a boy (8), girl (6), and girl (3). Barrie currently works full-time and in her free time she enjoys…oh wait – she has no free time. She loves spending as much time as she can with her husband and children. Being a mom is one of the hardest things she has ever done, but also one of the most rewarding. She is amazed every day at the chaos, laughs, adventures, and exhaustion that motherhood brings.

Barrie has been featured on Scary Mommy, Babble, Parent Co., Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Tribe Magazine, Her View from Home, For Every Mom, and is a contributing writer on Modern Mom. Follow her antics at
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23 thoughts on “Say What?! 20 Crazy Things I’ve Actually Said as a Parent

  • October 28, 2016 at 4:40 am

    There are times when I step back and think did that sentence about poop and eating really just come out of my mouth? Great post. #blogginggoodtime

  • October 26, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    Oh this is hilarious, an awesomely uplifting post at the end of a tiresome day!

  • October 26, 2016 at 7:59 am

    HaHa I just recently read a post about kids biting in daycare and how apparently that’s just a thing. Oh mom life.

    • October 26, 2016 at 10:54 am

      Yes, unfortunately it is a thing…I have a big time biter right now! Ugh. Thanks for checking out my post!

  • October 26, 2016 at 7:58 am

    Oh Lord, I just went into a lengthy sermon last night to my 4-year-old son about the kid I grew up with who I spotted on ONE occasion 35 years ago eating a booger. I had a crush on him which came to an abrupt end upon witnessing this disgusting display. This same guy became very successful in his adulthood but he will forever be The Booger Eater to me. Great post! Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

    • October 26, 2016 at 10:53 am

      The booger eater…that’s awesome…and disgusting! Thanks for checking me out!

  • October 22, 2016 at 12:36 am

    “You can’t clean the car with sandpaper” – oh dear! Good thing they asked the question though, rather than just trying to do it! Fab post, so funny! x #TheList

    • October 23, 2016 at 7:45 am

      Unfortunately they did do it… Makes a good story now though!

  • October 20, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    I love this post! It made me giggle! I think I am going to note down some of the crazy things I say to my kids now. You have inspired me! I’m always finding random things in my baby’s nappy too! #ablogginggoodtime

    Amina xx |

  • October 20, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    Literally crying after reading that!!! I need to start noting down the things I say, I’m sure there are plenty of butt and poo comments in there…Thanks for the laugh 🙂 #ablogginggoodtime

  • October 20, 2016 at 11:36 am

    No 6 and no 16 were absolute classics. It is amazing what comes out of our mouths. I am quickly starting to sound like my mother, aaarrrhhhh! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime

  • October 20, 2016 at 7:31 am

    This is all so true and i think the one that gets me is anything to do with licking…its like wtf licking the bin…or a stone a beach..come on kids! haha thanks for sharing great post #ablogginggoodtime

  • October 19, 2016 at 8:47 am

    This is so true, which is also a big reasons why it’s a riot. In my life these days, as the mom of 2 teenage daughters, life is more about what it is SAFE to say. Namely, “Yes, I like your hair like that” and “Can I give you $20?” But to be perfectly honest, when things are really bad, sometimes we do still come back to poop. 😉 Stopping by from #alittlebitofeverything!

  • October 19, 2016 at 7:43 am

    Did i just laugh hard?Omg!!! I can totally relate my little brother would squat to pee until when we started mentioning “dont pee while squating or sitting on the toilet seat” thats for girls…i still laugh and youve just triggered those memories…cant wait to see how my girls turn out to be


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