There are some things that I have become quite embarrassed about since becoming a mom. My car is a disaster zone, my “sitting room” is a toy wonderland, and my body of yester-year is where dreams go to die. My purse is another one of these devastatingly embarrassing pockets of life. Seriously though, what HAPPENED? What is all this crap in my giant mom bag?
Let us take a looksie at the nasty abyss that is the mom-purse.
What’s Inside the Mom-Purse
SOOOOO MANY TAMPONS. Let me tell you, it isn’t what you think. The tampons are not for me…they are for my two-year-old twins. Hazel thinks that wrapped tampons are the greatest thing ever. They are her own personal toddler Rubix Cube. This plethora of feminine products has saved us at the airport, at restaurants, and on car rides. I know it is strange and I do not care a hoot. Tampons ensure that at least one quarter of my children are happy. Winning.
Enough crumbs to feed a third-world country. Ewwwww. Goldfish, graham crackers, Teddy Grahams, they are alllll in there. In fact, upon closer inspection there are multiple crumb layers lurking at the bottom of my purse. It’s like a geologic crumb expedition digging around down there! I wonder how old some of those crumbs are? Crumbs really ruin everything in the mom purse. All items that come out of the purse are covered in a thick layer of crumbs. So gross. I’m a mom though…everything I own is a little bit gross now. That is my excuse and I am going with it.
Wrappers. There are gum wrappers, there are candy wrappers, there are cheese stick wrappers. What the hell is wrong with my family? Why do they choose to throw their wrappers into my purse as opposed to the TRASH CAN? I am pretty sure we have had this discussion several MILLION TIMES. Stop using my purse as your own personal trash receptacle!
Barbie’s leg! Don’t ask me why or how…but it is the honest truth. I found Barbie’s leg in my purse. I don’t know which of the thousands of dolls it might have come from or if it can in any way be reattached…so back into the black hole it goes. It is still there in case you are wondering.
So. Many. Pennies. I never use them and they are all sitting at the bottom of my purse covered in saltine cracker crumbs. I really should start a penny jar, maybe it will pay for the kids’ college someday…or a McDonald’s cheeseburger. Either way, tomorrow I am getting on that penny jar…right after I do major surgery on Barbie’s leg.
Three Shopkins, a bouncy ball, two pads of paper and about seven pens that barely work. I am guessing that this was my attempt at packing items to keep the kids busy while out in public. Clearly I half-assed this one.
Receipts galore. I mean even I am a little unnerved at how many receipts are floating around in the depths of the mom bag. Most are from Kroger or Target…but there are plenty from other jaunts around town as well. Why do I throw them in my purse where they clearly are getting frisky and reproducing? They must be getting down because there are a LOT of them. This is borderline hoarder behavior and I think I am scared enough to maybe throw the next one out….as long as the garbage can is not out of my direct walking path.
The biggest wallet you have ever seen…ya know…’cuz I am so freaking rich and all. That wallet contains ZERO dollars. Never do I carry cash. I need that huge wallet to carry all of the random cards I pick up at local stores. You never know when I might earn that magical final punch on my Beaner’s Coffee Punch Card and score a free coffee… I need them all! All random punch cards must stay. All business cards that I have never pulled out to use…they must stay too. (There are a shit ton of receipts in here as well. The receipt hoarding is actually and truly scaring me now.)
Car keys. All moms throw their car keys in their purse…but why, oh WHY do I have so many keys? I look like a janitor or a warden of sorts…both occupations are closely related to my actual profession ironically. Hmmm, I wonder what they all do and where they all go? I truly think some of the keys are from three houses ago…or my diary from 20 years ago. Who knows! I tried a few out on the main doors and only one is actually looking useful. Again…what do all of these keys do? I better keep them though just in case they unlock a secret door to a magical mom world…full of couches, wine, bubble baths, and cheese.
My poor, poor cell phone. It is such a mess. There are crumbs wedged in the sides. The screen is damn near shattered for the fifth time this year. I cannot find a single useful app on the thing and I don’t even know the password to my voicemail. It must stay though because oftentimes my cell phone is my only communication to the outside world. That sounds terrible. Tomorrow I will leave the house and go engage with actual humans. Life goals people.
Do you know what I did NOT find in my mom bag?
You guessed it!
Money. There is never any money in the damn thing.
Image via Flickr by Jo Naylor
Kristin is a regular writer at Suburban Misfit Mom and has been featured on BonBonBreak, Sammiches and PsychMeds, and The Erma Bombeck humorwriters.org site. She is also the satirical, ranty mastermind behind the blog Four Princesses and The Cheese.
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