Every day that I have with my family is a blessing and a day worth living. I am a thankful gal and even in my darkest most stressful moments I remember that things could be so much worse. My kids and I are healthy and we live comfortably in a safe part of the world. We don’t have to hide in caves, we are not persecuted for our beliefs, and we don’t drink out of the same watering holes as the local livestock…so yes things could be worse…waaaaaay worse.
Now that we have established that the following ARE in fact first-world problems if there ever were any, here are my keys to life with littles. These things make or break me on a daily basis…
Things that RUN Mama’s Day!
Without them I am nothing. My kids devour these artificial sticks of silence by the dozens. It is almost unbelievable how many cheese sticks a small human can put back in a day. They make me question whether or not the girls have Prader Willi Syndrome. Important Note – they MUST be the cheese STICKS, not cubes, not slices, and not shredded. If you try to give my children any cheese impostors there will be hell to pay.
They eat them, they play with them, apparently they also hide them in vases (as I found out today). Goldfish are the BOMB. They travel well and sweep up and vacuum up well too. They also last for an eternity – I literally found a goldfish under my kid’s car seat the other day in perfect condition. Who knows how long it had been living under the seat…this makes me question the snack’s nutritional value…but only for a minute. See! I am already over it. Is there even a mother out there who has attempted to raise children without goldfish? Doubt it.
Truth be told, the kids spend some daily time watching YouTube. It is the ONLY thing that gets my two-year-old twins to sit down and stop crawling up my legs some days. If I want to make dinner…or pee…YouTube goes on. The kids all love to watch this new phenomenon of random children opening Surprise Eggs. What the hell is really going on here? I’ll let you in on a little secret kids… the surprise is those damn Shopkins. Shopkins are always in the stupid egg. Now that I have ruined the surprise can we watch something else…like Wheels On The Bus or Peppa Pig? Those videos melt my brain as well…just at a slower rate.
I see Granny’s white car pull into the driveway and her tiny little fluff-ball doggie hop out and it is the equivalent to seeing a sparkling clear pool of water in the middle of a burning desert. She is my mirage and when she comes for a visit I instantly know that life is going to be AMAZING for the next 48 hours. She cooks, she cleans, she plays, and she gardens. She is the whip! The kids prefer her to me and are quite miffed to even have me around when Grandma visits. Fine by me kids! They are allllll yours Granny – this mom is taking a nap.
Things That RUIN Mama’s Day
The twins want it, they love it, they take it out of their bowls by the fistful and paint the countertops with it. Sometimes, they drop it into the dog’s hair…which smells disgusting after a few days.
Sharing is an important part of human development and most kids struggle with the learning to share concept, I get that. Teaching twin toddlers to share though…all day, EVERYDAY…is the pits. At this rate, I have a far better chance at building a space rocket in my backyard and flying it to the moon than teaching the twins how to share. There is screaming, scratching, and biting over toys, pacifiers, sippy cups – pretty much anything is fair game for toddler fight club. Guys, you share DNA, you shared a uterus, hell you even shared a placenta! Can’t we all just get along?
The First Booger
You know that feeling…especially if you have a bazillion children like I do. One child sniffles or sneezes and a giant booger flies out of their tiny little button nose. That is when your heart sinks into your feet and you know you are about to go to war. The war against the snot noses is about to begin. One kid will have snot flowing like a faucet for weeks and just when they take a turn for the better – the next kid falls victim to the boogers…and then the next kids…and so on and so forth. If you are really an unlucky mom you will get the virus as well and all hell will break loose.
With two kids in elementary school we are now starting to embark on the age of recreational sports…and I hate them. Between the two girls in competitive swim and soccer I am Driving Ms. Daisy almost every single evening. I really hit the sports jackpot because I have to drag the twin toddlers to all of these practices, games, and meets and then entertain them (enter cheese sticks, YouTube and Goldfish). Sounds like a nice relaxing evening doesn’t it?
So the moral of this story is: don’t run out of cheese sticks, find yourself a kick-ass granny (she doesn’t even have to be related to you), and put your kids in daycare… let them teach the sharing component.
Kristin is a regular writer at Suburban Misfit Mom and has been featured on BonBonBreak, Sammiches and PsychMeds, and The Erma Bombeck humorwriters.org site. She is also the satirical, ranty mastermind behind the blog Four Princesses and The Cheese.
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