“Why won’t you just latch on?” I whined. It wasn’t like me to act like this, but I knew at that time I wasn’t myself. I had just had my son one week before by C-section. I was sore, tired, and cranky. After I had my son, I received help from a woman who gave me information on all the benefits that came along with breastfeeding. She also taught me how to correctly position my son and get him to latch on. The problem was that I just couldn’t handle it anymore. After one week, all I wanted to do was give up.
Change of Plans
Going back to the time that I was pregnant with my oldest son Christian, I had plans for everything. I knew that I wanted to breastfeed, how I wanted to give birth to him, and who I wanted to have there. Even though you may have a plan, sometimes things can change, so you need to be mentally prepared for every obstacle that comes your way. My obstacle, unfortunately, showed up in the form of postpartum depression.
When leaving the hospital, I was warned about the ‘baby blues’ and the symptoms to watch out for. I thought to myself, How could I ever be sad when I have this adorable baby? It’s just not possible.
I enjoyed the first week at home with him, even while I was recovering from surgery. Those beautiful big blue eyes staring back at me, the little fingers and toes, and just knowing that this little baby needed me more than anything in this world was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. Spending those beautiful moments with him while breastfeeding made me feel so attached to him, like there was a special bond that could never be broken.
The Onset of Post-Partum Depression
Exactly one week went by and that is when I knew something was going on. I slept more than usual, I cried about everything, and sadly, I wasn’t as excited to see my little man. Breastfeeding him became a chore to me and I found that since I was sleeping so much, I wasn’t creating as much breast milk as I had in the beginning. It wasn’t even enough to fill his itty bitty tummy.
I would hand him off to my husband and family as much as I could because I just couldn’t handle anything that was put in front of me. I ended up realizing one night that I had a problem. Something somehow made a light bulb go off, which made me remember what the nurse had told me. I knew this wasn’t just ‘baby blues,’ this was something more. I had to get help because I knew that my son needed me more than anything, and I needed him.
Treating My Post-Partum Depression
After going to my first doctor’s appointment, I was told that I had postpartum depression. I was put on anti-depressants that my son could not have through my breast milk. I had to make the hard decision to stop breastfeeding. I had made plans to breastfeed him until he was 12 months old, but those plans were crushed. I knew that breastfeeding was important, but so was a healthy mom. He needed me.
Sharing Special Moments Again
After transitioning to formula feeding, I soon realized that it wasn’t much different. Although he wasn’t physically feeding from me, I knew that he was still receiving the nutrients he needed. We were finally able to spend our little moments together in that big wooden rocking chair again.
Ashley is a Mommy Blogger, Social Media Influencer, Product Reviewer, Full-Time Student, Wife and a Mommy of 2. Residing in Arizona, she writes about the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Mommy hood! (More times than not, it’s the Ugly!) Find her at www.thegeekymamablog.com, or social media.
Image via Flickr by Gloria Williams
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